Dear Airline,
I am writing to inquire about your in-flight accommodations for a dog of my stature and refinement. As a Shar Pei of considerable importance, I have recently learned that some airlines now allow dogs to travel in the cabin with their humans. Naturally, I have a few questions before I agree to such an arrangement.
I assume you offer a first-class option for wrinkle-enhanced passengers like myself. I require a window seat and ample legroom for my squishiness. Being tucked under a seat like a forgotten gym bag is not acceptable.
I also hear that humans are offered snacks and beverages during the flight. Does this service extend to me? I prefer something light yet satisfying, perhaps a filet of chicken, hand-fed to me at appropriate intervals. If not, I will settle for a cheese platter.
Will the flight attendants be available for ear scratches and admiring glances? I require a certain level of attention to maintain my morale during such a trying experience. Also, please advise on your policy regarding mid-flight lap privileges. My human claims I must stay in a carrier, but surely this is negotiable.
I have been informed that I must be removed from my carrier during security screening. This is troubling. I do not appreciate strangers lifting me in such an undignified manner. Can I request a velvet pillow to be placed on the conveyor belt so that I may glide through with grace?
As you may be aware, Shar Peis have a strict temperature preference. Not too hot, not too cold, and definitely not drafty. What measures are in place to ensure optimal wrinkle comfort? If necessary, I am happy to provide my own blanket, but I would prefer one from your premium selection. Preferably cashmere.
What steps does your airline take to prevent unruly passengers from disturbing my in-flight serenity? I have heard stories of seatmates attempting to pet, boop, or, horror of horrors, smoosh a Shar Pei’s face without formal consent. Will there be a protective barrier in place? Or should I practice my most dramatic sighs to convey my disapproval?
Upon landing, I expect a swift and dignified exit from the aircraft. Will I be required to wait while humans bumble about retrieving their luggage? Or will a dedicated concierge be available to escort me directly to the nearest soft patch of grass for a much-needed stretch and post-flight reflection?
I trust you will take my requests into consideration and ensure my first flight experience is befitting of a Shar Pei of my eminence. Please respond promptly, as I need to schedule my pre-flight spa day.
Sincerely,
Lord Elwood Bartholomew Best Pei
